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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/30076182">Just a Perfectly Normal Rabbit</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/zorilleerrant/pseuds/zorilleerrant'>zorilleerrant</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>WandaVision (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Coda, Gen, Humor, Improper Rabbit Care</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-03-16</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-03-16</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-15 19:29:33</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Not Rated</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>997</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/30076182</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/zorilleerrant/pseuds/zorilleerrant</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Senor Scratchy is caught trying to run away.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>18</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Just a Perfectly Normal Rabbit</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Jimmy Woo sees Senor Scratchy grooming his ears by the side of the convenience store. “Um,” says Jimmy, picking him up, “is this anybody’s rabbit?”</p><p>A few curious looks are thrown his way, followed by shakes of the head.</p><p>Jimmy picks up a bullhorn with his other hand and, carefully aiming away from Senor Scratchy, says into it, “I said, is this anybody’s rabbit?”</p><p>“Yes, that’s mine,” says Darcy, from immediately behind him.</p><p>Jimmy jumps.</p><p>“Aww, come here sweetieookums, mommy missed you,” Darcy says, grabbing for Senor Scratchy, even as Jimmy reflexively pulls away from her.</p><p>“It’s your rabbit?” Jimmy says.</p><p>“Yes,” says Darcy, confidently.</p><p>“Why would you – you got called to do a secret government mission, and you. You brought a pet with you?” Jimmy asks.</p><p>Darcy crosses her arms. “Well, I couldn’t leave him at home now, could I? I mean. What would he do all on his own? Who would feed him? And take him for walkies?”</p><p>Jimmy narrows his eyes. “If this is your bunny. What’s his name?”</p><p>“Doctor Benjamin Buggington,” Darcy says without hesitation.</p><p>“That’s a pretty good name,” Jimmy concedes. “Okay, I guess.”</p><p>Darcy scoops up Senor Scratchy and gives him a quick scratch behind the ears. “Hey, there Benny Bug, you must be hungry.”</p><p>“What do rabbits eat, anyway?” Jimmy asks. “Carrots? Can’t be carrots. That’s just in cartoons, right? It’s grass, isn’t? Grass?”</p><p>“Um,” says Darcy.</p><p>“Oh, well, I guess I’ll find out in a minute,” Jimmy says. “It’s not like you could’ve been carting him around all this time with no food, right?”</p><p>“Right,” Darcy says.</p><p>“So what does he eat?” Jimmy asks.</p><p>Darcy opens her bag and peers inside. “Uh, you know, just the usual. Granola bars. GORP. Energy drinks.”</p><p>Jimmy gives her a skeptical look. “I don’t think bunnies eat that.”</p><p>“Uh, whose rabbit is this?” Darcy says. “I think I would know better than you.”</p><p>“I mean, fair enough,” Jimmy says, eyeing her handful of GORP distrustfully.</p><p>Darcy holds it out to Senor Scratchy tentatively, who starts placidly munching on it, and then relaxes. “Yeah. See? GORP is Benny Bug’s favorite.”</p><p>“So, I’ve got confirmation that – ” Monica stares at Senor Scratchy and the meal he’s currently enjoying. “<em>What</em> is that rabbit <em>eating</em>?”</p><p>“GORP,” Jimmy says, knowledgeably.</p><p>“Bunnies don’t eat GORP,” Monica says, very slowly.</p><p>“Looks like you’re wrong,” Darcy says. “Jimmy thought that too. But Doctor Benjamin Buggington loves him some peanuts. And Red Bull.”</p><p>“No,” Monica says, even more slowly. “That’s not right at all.”</p><p>“Well how would you know?” Darcy says. “I mean, between the two of us, which one of us is feeding a bunny GORP?”</p><p>“Preferably neither,” Monica says. “Have you. Ever <em>had</em> a rabbit before?”</p><p>“Have you?” Darcy shoots back.</p><p>“Yes,” Monica says. “My whole life. Lots of them.”</p><p>“Oh,” Darcy says. “Okay, I’m a little out of my depth here. What do they eat?”</p><p>“Well <em>not GORP</em>,” Monica says.</p><p>Darcy looks down. “Why is he eating it, then?”</p><p>“Wait,” Jimmy says. “You said this was your rabbit.”</p><p>“Yes,” Darcy agrees. “I did say that.”</p><p>“Wait, she said she brought a rabbit on a mission?” Monica says, “and you. Just. Believed her?”</p><p>“I mean, I don’t know how SWORD does things,” Jimmy says.</p><p>“Would you do that?” Monica says, “would any FBI agent do that?”</p><p>“No, of course not, that would be. Extremely against protocol,” Jimmy says.</p><p>“Well, then, why would SWORD do that?” Monica says.</p><p>“I don’t know,” Jimmy says, “why would they hold random agents from other agencies hostage? Why would they handle evidence with no gloves, and dangerous evidence with no protective gear? Why would they trample all over crime scenes, and completely ignore chain of custody? Why would they secretly bring a dead superhero back to life and then make him fight a differently reanimated version of the same superhero but without warning anyone about any of it, assuming that when they were done whichever version won would suddenly and without qualms want to work exclusively for the US government?”</p><p>“To be fair, I don’t think that last one is SOP,” Monica says. “I mean, I have been gone five years. But I don’t think it is.”</p><p>“Then why did Darcy just arrest someone for it?!” Jimmy says.</p><p>“I don’t think,” Monica says, “that technically Darcy can arrest people.”</p><p>“Can too,” Darcy says, sharing an ice cream cone with Senor Scratchy, “one time there was this guy in line for coffee, and he kept trying to use BOGO coupons, and the barista said it was one per person, and he just ignored her and was trying to use. I don’t know. Five or six. It was taking <em>forever</em> and she was looking at me all <em>kill me now</em> so I tased him and then put him in handcuffs and arrested him.”</p><p>“I don’t think you can arrest someone for that,” Monica says.</p><p>“It was a citizen’s arrest,” Darcy clarifies.</p><p>Monica nods. “I mean I don’t think that’s illegal.”</p><p>“If so,” Darcy says, “how come when the police came they used words like ‘known international jewel thief’ and ‘INTERPOL most wanted’ and ‘reward of 1 million’?”</p><p>“That was <em>you</em>?” Jimmy says, “That case made Sarah’s career! You’re kind of a legend around the office.”</p><p>“Really?” Darcy says.</p><p>Jimmy shrugs. “In a bad way.”</p><p>Darcy pouts. “I don’t think that’s fair.”</p><p>“Yeah. You got put on every watch list we have for that one,” Jimmy says. “Although Sarah said you were already on two of them.”</p><p>“One for knowing the Avengers, of course,” Monica says, “what’s the other one?”</p><p>“Buying fissionable material,” Jimmy says.</p><p>“That’s not fair,” Darcy says, “that was for a scavenger hunt. It was only incidental that it was. You know. Black market arms dealers. I was trying to teach Thor how to use the internet! He wanted to know what the dark web was!”</p><p>Monica takes Senor Scratchy from her. “I think <em>I</em> will watch the rabbit.”</p><p>“Whose,” Jimmy says, “whose rabbit is this?!”</p>
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